Author Duane@thismoment.Sun.COM (Duane Day)
Confronted with some music that's new to you? Not sure whether it sucks
or smokes? Now you can avoid the risk of being seen enjoying Music That
Deadheads Do Not Like (tm) by using this handy-dandy flow chart. No more
risky independent thought! Use it today!
--- Duane Day (Musical Preferences? Necessary To Ape Peers!!)
p.s. this is not an attempt to document my own personal musical
preferences, but rather to "salute" a certain mindset which
has long flourished in this newsgroup. Apologies to Vince,
Bobby, Zappa, Phish, Traffic, and dozens of other artists I
love and respect (but who, according to that mindset,
apparently "suck".)
Also, this chart will look like gibberish unless viewed or
printed with a fixed-width font.
+------------+
| START HERE |
+-----+------+
|
___v_______
/ \ __________ _________ ___________
/ Is it the \_YES__\/ live \_YES__\/post-'91?\_YES____\| it sucks! |
\ Dead? / /\recording?/ /\_________/ /|___________|
\___________/ \________/ | NO ^ ^
| NO | NO _____v_ _____ | |
| | /lots of\_NO___\/ Day \_YES___/ |
_____v_____ ___v_______ \ Donna?/ /\ Job?/ |
/ Is it a \ | it sucks! |/___/\_____/ \___/|NO |
/former member\ |___________|\ YES ______ ___v___ |
\of the Dead? / ____________ / with \/__TAPE_/ CD or \_CD___^
\___________/ | it smokes! |/_NO_/ guests?\ \_tape?_/ /|
/ | |____________|\ \________/ / |
NO / | YES ^ ^ | YES / |
/ _____v_____ | | ______v____________ / |
/ / Is it Phil\ | \___NO_/ Hall and Oates or \_YES_____/ |
| / or Jerry or \_YES_/ \__The Beach Boys?__/ ^
| \Pig or Billy?/ ________ ___________ /|
| \___________/ _______\/ Bruce? \_YES__\/ post-'95? \_NO__/ |
| | NO / /\________/ /\___________/ |
| | /NO \NO | YES |
__v____ | _________/ ____________ \ __v_________ |
/reggae?\ \/ Brent? \_YES_\| it smokes! | \ | it smokes! | |
\_______/ \_________/ /| (revised | | |____________| |
|NO \YES |____7/90)___| | ^ ^ |
| | _____ _________ | | | ^
| | / TC? \/____NO_/ Mickey? \/__/ | | /|
| ____v____ \_____/\ \_________/\ ________/ |YES / |
| | it | |YES \ |YES / _____|___ / |
| |_smokes!_| ____v____ \NO ___v________/NO _\/"Down the\__/ ^
| ^ /dead song\ \_ /does he rap?\_YES_/ /\__Road?"_/NO /|
| | \or space?/ \ \____________/ / |
\ | YES/\_______/\NO__\_____________________________\_________/ |
| \____/ / / |
_v______ ___________ _________ / _________ ^
/British?\_YES_\/Pink Floyd?\_YES_\/ w/Roger \_NO__/ ___\| it | |
\________/ /\___________/ /\_Waters?_/ / /|_smokes!_| ^
|NO |NO \_YES__/ /|
| _v______ _______ _NO________________________/ |
| /The Who?\_YES_\/w/Keith\_/ ____________ |
| \________/ /\_Moon?_/ _\| it smokes! |/_ |
| |NO \_YES_/ /|____________|\ \ |
| ______v____ _______ ^ ^ | |
| /The Stones?\_YES__\/ w/Ron \_NO_______/ | | |
| \___________/ /\_Wood?_/ ___________ \ | |
| |NO \_YES__\| it sucks! | | | |
| __v_________ _______ /|___________| | | ^
| /The Beatles?\_YES__\/ post- \_ ^ | | /|
| \____________/ /\ 1980? / \_YES___| | | / |
| |NO \_____/ | / / |
| \ ________ \_NO_________________/ / / ^
| \__\/Clapton?\_YES_________________________/ / /|
_v__________ /\________/______NO________________________/ / |
/ are there \ ______________________ / |
\ any horns? /_YES______\/did the horn player(s)\__NO_______________/ |
\__________/ /\ ever play w/the Dead?/ ____________ |
|NO \____________________/\__YES_\| it smokes! | |
____v______ ________________ /|____________| |
/does anyone\___YES____\/ Ken Nordine or \_YES____ ^ |
\____rap?___/ /\ Neal Cassady? / \________| |
| NO \______________/\ NO _____________________ |
| \_\|You call that music?| |
____v____________ /|____________________| ^
/ Is it an artist \ ___________ _________ /|
/ from the classic \_YES__\/ Jefferson \___NO_______\/ Steve \_YES_/ |
\ "summer of love" / \ Airplane- / /\_Miller?_/ |
\ San Francisco / \ related?/ _________ NO| ^
\____ scene? ___/ \_______/ | it |/____/ |
| NO | YES |_smokes!_|\ |
_____v_____________ __v_______ __________________ |
/ lyrics glorifying \ / Airplane \_NO /"Blows Against the\ |
\ use of marijuana / \ or Tuna? / \/ Empire" or "Baron \ ^
\___ or LSD? _____/ \________/ \ von Tollbooth and /_NO_/|
NO | | YES YES \ \_the Chrome Nun"?_/ |
| _________v________________ \ |YES |
| | it smokes! (note: verify | \ ____________ / _ |
| | that "does anyone rap" | \__\| it smokes! |/___/___/ \ |
| | was answered correctly!) | /|____________|\ ______/ |
| |__________________________| /NO |
_v___________________ ____________ _____|______ |
/ Did the artist play \__YES___\/ The Band? \_NO__\/ Sha Na Na? \_YES_/
\____at Woodstock?____/ /\____________/ /\____________/ /
| \ YES /
| NO | ______________/
| ________________ ____v_______ / YES
\_____\/ Woodstock '94? \ / post- "The \_/ ____
/\________________/ \Last Waltz"?/ / \
| NO |YES \__________/\_NO__/ |
| | ___________________ ___v________
| \____\/ Bob Dylan or the \_YES____\| it smokes! |
| /\ Allman Brothers? / /|____________|
| \_________________/ ^
_____________v________________ NO\ ___________ |YES
/ did the artist first achieve \__YES___\__\| it sucks! |/_NO ___|____
\ success during the 1980's? / /|___________|\ \/w/Lowell\
\____________________________/ ^ _______ \George?_/
| NO | _\/Little \ ^
____________v__________________ ______/ / /\_Feat?_/\YES |
/ Has the artist been described \_YES_/ _______/ |NO \____/
\ in the media as "the next / / ____________v____________
\_______Grateful Dead"________/\_NO__/ / Has the artist made any \
\ statement about Jerry or/
\____about the Dead?____/
___________ ________________ / YES | NO
| it sucks! | / flattering and \/________/ ______________/
|___________| \____sincere?____/\ /
^ ^ ^ / | \ |
| | | NO / |NOT \ YES ________v____ _______
| \ \______/ |SURE \_____\/ is it Soul \__NO__\/ folk \
| \ / /\or R&B music?/ /\ music?/
| \_____________/ \___________/ \_____/\
| / YES YES | NO \
| _______/_________ _____/ /
| ____________ / did Jerry ever \ / blue-\ /
| | it smokes! |/____YES___\perform the song?/_ \grass?/ /
| |____________|\ \_______________/|\ /\____/ /
\ / NO ^ \_NO__/ /YES |
\___________________________/ __| ___________ / ____v__
/ / any Old & \/____/ / jazz? \
\__NO_\ In The Way/\ \_______/
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ ____________ \ members?/ ___NO_/ | YES
$ *YOUR AD HERE!* $ | it smokes! |/___YES_/\_______/ / ________v__
$ www.spammit.all $ |____________|\ ______/ | it sucks! |
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ / |___________|
$ Blank space is $ / ^
$ lost revenue!! $ / |
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ | |
______________ __________ ____v_________ |
/ song covered \/__YES_/ country \/__NO_/ song written \_YES__/
\ by the Dead? /\ \ or blues?/\ \ by the Dead? /
\____________/ \________/\ \____________/
YES | |NO \NO _________________
_____v___ _v______ \__________\/ Asian, African, \
| it | | it |/___________ / South American or \
|_smokes!_| |_sucks!_|\ \_________NO__\ Central American? /
^ ^ \_________________/
| | _________________ | YES
\ \_______NO_/ any Planet Drum \/_________/
\ \ alumni involved?/
\______________YES__/\_______________/
=============================================================================
Copyright 1996 by Duane Day
note: permission is granted to reproduce and distribute this article
(unmodified) in its entirety in electronic form for free. permission
to copy for sale or for profit is explicitly withheld.